The Matrimony Site

The other day I was browsing through my yahoo mail when I came across an Ad for Indian Matrimonies. This was clearly directed to NRI’s with a bold sign that said ‘Attention NRI’s’

It was obvious that these Advertisers were trying to ape some American Advertisement company. The site kept flipping picture of attractive males and females with quotes and characteristics of their ‘Available Life partners’

The first Ad rolled by with a female’s picture saying

She paints rocks
She watched DDLJ 16 times
She has a mutt called Bob,
She dances a mean tango
She loves her steaks rare

Painting rocks does seem interesting, although I have never come across any female so far who had this hobby.

Then the next one about watching DDLJ 16 times.

Also pretty good given that they got a very popular Hindi Movie and used it .. good going.. Now it’s a totally different matter that someone who watches a movie like DDLJ 16 times is obviously a nut case living in a fantasy world. But let us not get into that.

Then our good friends go off-track...

She has a mutt called Bob,

A Mutt called Bob? Our NRI friend Venkatswamy might rake his brains cause the only mutt he has heard of is the Ramakrishna Mutt.

She dances a mean Tango.

Most of the NRI’s who scan this site do so because they were not capable of finding a partner themselves. So irrespective of the fact that they are living in a western country, when it comes to marriage what they want is a typical Sati Savitari types. Let alone one who dances a mean tango.

The last quote however is the one, which takes the cake

She likes her steaks rare

Now this will make all the guys flock around her.

First of all Steaks are synonymous with Beef, though you get it in other variants these are not so popular. And to add to it rare.

Then rolled the Ad for the next female.

She has a Phd
She likes to collect Ganesha's
She is writing a Cookbook.
She likes to have a pet turtl

Whats having a Phd got to do with getting married? Its just a note saying. Be ready to do all the house work yourself.

Writing a Cookbook.. hmm that’s another interesting trait. So if you marry her be ready to take the role of the guinea pig who has to try out all those recipes before they go into the Cookbook.

She likes to have a pet turtle

A very interesting hobby indeed. Perhaps before putting this Ad they should have checked if keeping a turtle in captivity would amount to the violation of any Wildlife regulation. Coming back to reality did u ever come across a girl who has a pet turtle? I have seen guys with tiny pet turtle's in aquaruiums. But yet to come across a girl who shares similar interest.

Now lets take a look at some of our Male counterparts AD's

He's adopted a village
He's met the Dalai Lama
He plans to climb Kilimanjaro
Hi's trekked in China
And he hugs trees

Amazing.. Just have one question. Does this guy do any real work?

Wonder what he did after adopting a village.

It would also be interesting to know what was the topic of discussion between him and the Dalai Lama.

Plans to climb Kilimanjaro, Great indeed. Guess Everest was not good enough for our friend. But in all fairness it makes much more sense to climb Kilimanjaro than Everest. Given the inhospitable terrain at Everest, unless you are a professional climber or have a lot of willpower, training and sophisticated equipment, attempting to climb Everest would be foolishness.

He Trekked in China
Now this is a great quality. Our friend has also become much wiser after his trek in China, next time he visits any country he will make sure to find out what time is the last bus back to town.
But this is an experience he will never regret. Thanks to the trek he is now in a position to open a consulting firm. This firm will give advice on where to go in China to find a cheap manufacturer for any kind of pirated goods.

The last one however beats me. He hugs trees.
To the normal man this would mean he is mentally deranged. There is a subtle difference between loving trees and actually going and hugging trees.

A note of caution to any girl who is planning to respond to this guy. Visualise the following. You and your partner decide to pay a visit to your friends place and your friend comes out to greet you. Your partner is going to shake hands with your friend and then proceed to hug the tree in his yard. LOL :-)

The bottom line is that there are a lot of interesting people available for you to select as a partner in this site. However if you are looking for a regular plain Joe, then you are not going to find one here.

On the other hand if you plan to upload your profile make sure you have a hobby that is on par with the ones posted here. If you don’t then I strongly suggest you take up a new hobby like designing aero-planes or Tornado chasing. For a pet you could consider keeping a Green Iguana, if space is a constraint a Tarantula might just be fine




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Ad's

The Prince of Shahabad

On July 21^st a young lad of 5 years named Prince fell into a 53 foot deep and 1.5 ft wide shaft dug for a submersible well. The rescue effort was clumsy if I must say which resulted in the ordeal of this young kid to stretch to a painful 48 hours. Hats off to Prince however who put up a brave front and survived the two nights and two days alone in the horrific pit.

Now lets take a look at the other jokers in the deck that cashed in at the expense of Prince. All the TV news channels had some interesting stuff to broadcast and most of them had live feeds at the final stage of the rescue effort. People no doubt came whole heartedly to help out the boy. The army was called in and they did their bit to rescue the kid. Once he got out, the goodies started flowing in from all sides. The local Sub Inspector was awarded Rs 20,000/-, the Army was awarded 51,000/- . Its good that everyone helped. But wasn’t it while on their line of duty that the Army rescued this boy? Its not that they rescued him in 2 or 3 hours. Had they delayed for some more time perhaps the rainy season would have started and they could have thrown in a life jacket for the kid to float up.

Unfortunately not much importance was given on what other rescue attempts were made that failed?

The Ministers are all out still awarding the people involved in the rescue. No one has time to analyze the following… Why was the Fire Department not able to undertake the rescue? In what respects were they ill equipped and have they taken any measures to deal with such situations in the future?

Another week passes by and the euphoria continues. The chief minister has announced a grant of 20 lakh rupees to develop this village. In addition to Prince’s getting Rs 2 Lakh the Govt has announced that they will sponsor his education. Now aren’t we getting a bit carried away by all this? I have nothing against Prince but then why all the fuss for a kid who fell into a well? We have hundreds of other street kids whom no one bothers to help.

With the development in the village after Prince’s fall the contractor who was responsible for leaving the well open is now in great demand. He has got tenders to dig other wells in neighboring villages. His only grouse is how come he was not given any award. if this guy had not dug the hole Prince would not have fallen and the village would still be underdeveloped. Doesn’t he deserve some recognition?

The TV channels all praised the efforts of the people who were involved in the rescue but no one bothered to look into who was responsible for leaving this well open or how to prevent such tragedies. Above all, the Pulitzer Prize for Journalism Award should go to the Moronic reporter at popular new channel. His statement when the boy was being rescued was ‘Can someone find out what religion does Prince belong to?‘ That’s the most absurd thing anyone could say in such a situation.

All the kids now have a different prospective about falling into a well. Its only a matter of time before another budding Prince lands himself into a similar situation. Of course falling in a well will no longer bring in as much publicity to the kid and the Village. Perhaps climbing a 53 feet tree this time and getting stuck might just do the trick. I hope the army does not consider constructing a building parallel to the tree and rescuing the kid.

Chain Mails

When was the last time you forwarded a chain mail? Haven’t we all participated in a chain mail at some time or the other? The first mail we got we probably thought ‘that we must do our part to save this poor soul’ and promptly forwarded the mail. Its time we use our common sense (which is not so common in the chain mailing community) and put an end to these spam mails.

What are the kinds of chain mails that spam the world? There are mails that bring you good luck and a fortune in cash. ‘Send this mail to 20 people within the next 24 hours and you will get good luck’. What are these people trying to do? No doubt everyone could do with a little extra cash, but some people think they are doing a big favor by distributing these good luck - good fortune mails. How can forwarding a stupid mail bring you good fortune? If this were true there would be no poverty in the world. There would be "Good Luck Mail Agencies" doing enormous business. Just pay us $50 and we will send you a good luck mail. Once you get this mail and send it to 20 people you are fixed for the rest of your life. James Smith from Florida sent this mail to 100 people and he won a lottery for a million dollars. All you need is this mail.

Lets take a look at the different flavors these mails come in

First we have the Sponsored mail.
You just keep forwarding this mail and for every 3 people you send it to the official sponsor will pay 5 cents each. These sponsor’s are mainly AOL ,American Cancer Society, GE, Nokia , Ericsson .. the list goes on. Bill Gates himself said in the mail that Microsoft will pay 5 cents for every 3 mails forwarded. So there you go, and what’s more! it also says that Richard Brown sent it to as many people he knew and in 3 weeks time he got a cheque in the mail. Now how can Microsoft or AOL keep track of who is sending how many mails to whom? Ah they must have installed ‘Email Exchange Tracker Plus’.

Here’s some news for all those people still waiting for their "free cheques" to arrive. Turns out that ‘Email Exchange Tracker Plus’ could not keep count of how many email id’s belong to the same person. But no worries cause their Enterprise Edition has this plug-in. AOL and Microsoft are working on the implementation of the Enterprise Edition, that’s what is delaying your cheque. Its only a matter of time before we have a whole lot of Richard Browns walking around with their free cheques.

The second category is managed by this Omnipotent tracker
You forward it and an invincible supreme being will track it automatically. This class has a dual tracking mechanism. In the sense that if you do not forward the mail then it has its side effects. You forward the mail to 20 people and you get good fortune in the next 7 days. Smith Jones from Denver thought this was a hoax and did not forward it. The next day he fell ill and got Cancer. Luckily he changed his mind and forwarded it to 20 people the following day, after which he found out that the illness was because he had eaten a dead frog in his bucket of Kentucky Friend Chicken and it was not Cancer after all.

Of course just to clarify he did not eat this at an exotic restaurant, cause in these places frog delicacies are more expensive than fried chicken. Please note these mails are more potent since it’s not some earthly company like AOL or Nokia that is tracking the mails. This is one good reason why a lot of Chain Mail enthusiasts forward it just to be safe from the side effects of its ‘If you do not forward this mail...’ Part.

Then you have this third category of ‘The not so Automatic’ mails.
Here you have a mail about a person who suddenly woke up and found that his Kidneys are missing. The mail has a listing of people who want to spread the awareness of missing Kidneys. You are supposed to append your name to the existing list of names in the mail before sending it off. Note that the list will have a serial number against each name, and don’t forget to increment the running sequence against your name. Apparently the folks who run this chain mail are a bit understaffed so we should help them out in their book keeping. They have not invested in any software that does “Automatic tracking and counting of mails”. They are more of a people oriented company and don’t have a flair for automation.

These kind of mails often have a note saying ‘if the count has reached 500 please send it to ACS@AOL.com’ and they will promptly shoot off a cheque to the American Kidney Research Centre so that they can continue their research in the field of vanishing kidneys.

We also have the Good Luck mails that have absolutely no ambiguity in them. They are accompanied with crystal clear metrics and flawless statistics. You send the mail to 20 people and you have ‘Good Luck’, you send it to 10 people and you just get ‘Okay Luck’ but if you send it to less than 10 people then your going to have ‘Bad Luck for Seven Years’. Its all been scientifically proved, our folks who are forwarding these mails know it.

If it’s not about Luck it’s about a 4 year old boy who is dying of cancer and his last wish is to get a post card from everyone across the world. Just think of it, A post card from everyone across the world? We are talking about 6,600,000,000+ post cards. What does this guy have against the Postal Department? He is going anyways and is he also planning to take the entire postal department with him? The local post office employees are going to work themselves to death delivering all these post cards.

I personally always had my doubts on the sets of laws governing these mails. We have the sizable population of Business tycoons who have secretaries to manage and respond to their mails since they are too busy working other things. Now if a secretary does not forward the mail to 10 people then who gets the bad luck? The secretary or the Business Man in whose name the mail was addressed to? Well I guess that will probably listed on the FAQ section of these mails.

People who devotedly forward such mails have absolutely no clue of geometric progression. If you forward a mail to 20 people asking each of them to do the same. The first set of forwards we have 20 * 20 = 400 mails, the second set will have 400 * 20 = 8000 mails, the third forward will have 8000 * 20 = 160,000 mails and in the forth cycle we have 3,200,000 mails, floating this idiotic garbage.

All that these peoples brains process is - Please send this to everyone you know... or don’t know, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you just send it. Frank Wilson sent this to 500 people!!!! So what? If Frank Wilson is a nut does it mean you too need to do the same?
Most of these mails also have the all familiar last line that says 'Send this mail to as many people including the one who sent it to you, This shows you care!!'. The moron who forwarded you this mail wants to be spammed in return. Now if you send it back he will read it and since it says send it to all including the one who sent it to you. Tada !!.. you again get a copy. Are we playing Ping Pong here ??

How much time does it take to google out and check if an email is a Hoax? Hardly 30 seconds. But people don’t do this. If its come in an email it has to be true.

We have these super enthusiastic people who want to save others from a non-existent virus. You get warning chain mails saying Do not open any email with the subject ‘JOIN THE CREW’ This is a virus which will erase your entire ‘C’ drive and send out mails to anonymous people using your email id asking them to refrain from purchasing gasoline on April 7th as a mark of protest and to kick the butts of Oil companies. Let us on 7th April use the bus to support Aden who while traveling by bus got jabbed with an HIV infected needle wrapped in a note that said ‘Welcome to the world of Aids’. But if you are one of those few people who loaded all your software on you ‘D’ drive then there is no cause of panic as you will not be affected. Please pass this on to as many people as possible.

The next time you get such an email, First go to McAfee.com or Symantec.com and confirm if its indeed listed as a virus. If the folks at Symantec and McAfee did not think it necessary to inform the world about this virus, then there is no need for you to take up this crusade. Remember that by forwarding a standard chain letter to someone, you are saying, in effect, "If you don't do what I tell you to do, something bad will happen to you." Would you not be upset if someone else made such a threat to you?

Refuse to become a victim of these false Bad Luck threats. Do not propagate the chain.

- Cd

Flying Domestic.

[Note: This blog is in context to Flying in India only.]

With the rise in income levels and low flight fares, Flying has become the in-thing. Airlines trying to out beat each other with fabulous offers starting from the Re 1/- ticket (getting this ticket however is a totally different ball game so let’s not get into that). At the rate it’s going very soon they may even start taking standing passengers like a bus.

Probably in a short time to come you may hear the airline executive tell you. ‘Sorry sir Business Class and Economy Class are full, however we do have the Rod Class if you like’. You go , ‘Great!! How many seats do you have in Rod Class?’ Uh.. no Sir there are no seats in the ‘Rod Class’ we can take as many standing passengers as long as its possible to close the aircraft door. But till then we have to stick to our seats.

Here’s how a typical experience would be on one of these domestic flights. You rush into the Airport get your boarding pass and complete your security check, and then you get showed to boarding area. Once you reach here there is a dramatic change in the environment. It appears like the rush hour is over and you have all the time in the world. Often staring at those typical revolving showcases with laptops and shirts pinned inside.

Then comes the long awaited announcement that flight xyz is ready for boarding. Within a split second Boom!! you have a line of about 15-20 people in the line. Where the hell did they come from? Where they para dropped ?? And what’s the big hurry? Your boarding pass has your seat number so no one’s going to sit on it anyways. Why are these people so concerned about reaching first? The reason is everyone wants to reach the overhead luggage rack first. Because no matter what the number or size of the baggage people assume It will fit in the Overhead rack. Who checks in baggage anyways? Checking in baggage is for wimps.

Who cares anyways the right thing is you join the line somewhere at the 20^th position. Here’s why, on comes the fancy Airport Bus which will drop you from the terminal to the aircraft. By the time your turn comes to enter the bus all the seats are full and you have to stand by the door. Bus pushes off and reaches the aircraft. And Viola !!! You are the first person to get down from the bus and thereby the first one to enter the Aircraft, not the 20 smart people who were in the line ahead of you.

The scuffle for baggage space in the overboard compartment is over and everyone’s settled down. Except for the odd 1 or 2 people who always have to ping the airhostess for water to drink. Probably they would die if they don’t get their water before the plane can take off. At least one representative of this water-drinking club has to be there on every flight. That’s the rule.

Then comes the Hostess with a tray of candy or sweets whatever you call it. We now witness the next in-explainable thing. People go all out eagerly grabbing as many sweets as they can. What for I’ll never understand. Its not like she is distributing Swiss liquor chocolates or $75 per pound Donnelly's chocolate. C'mon People !!! these are ordinary sweets that you find at every other paan seller. What’s the big deal? If these people can afford the airline ticket what’s with these sweets? Can’t you get them anywhere outside? But that’s the way it is. Unless you grab the candy what’s the point of flying?

All this done we are ready for take off and the pilot announces some gibberish, which is almost incomprehensible. For some reason all pilots’ talk in a fumbled voice. Probably they teach this tone in flying school.

Time for landing, the seat belt signs are on and announcement for landing made. Then we have our representative from the ‘before landing must go to the loo’ club who suddenly wakes up and makes a dash for the rest room. Only to be sent back by the Airhostess. No sooner does the plan touch down. Everyone is on their feet rushing to get hold of their bags. Plane comes to a halt and the same story is repeated. But now you know the rule. i.e. let the others out of the plane and into the bus, You go at the right time such that you’re the nearest to the bus door. (However in case of an aerobridge this does not apply).

What a relief you have reached your destination.

-Cd

Driving in India

Driving in India is an experience by itself. You will be amazed to find that everything you thought was a fundamental driving rule ceases to exist here. It all starts with the honking. Its not necessary for someone to be obstructing your path to honk. Cab drivers honk at random. Its like they have a frequency for honking. If they don’t do it at the right interval perhaps they feel choked, like a smoker who needs a smoke after a meal.

Then comes the variety of horns. Have you come across a reverse horn? Someone needs a tune to be played every time he reverses his car. Fancy no one came up with a melody every time you switch on your indicators. If you think this was the darnedest thing. Along comes a bike and guess what? This person has a melody tune attached to his brake. Every time he hits the brakes a tune is played. Someone came up with this bizarre idea and put it into production. Who would have thought there would be takers for it?

I am yet to come across anyone who has attached a melody brake horn to his or her car. It’s totally baffling why someone would need a tune to be played every time they hit the brakes? Can’t people behind them see that they are slowing down? Are they trying to help the Blind? Did they expect blind people to be driving? Maybe they reasoned out what if a blind man is driving right behind? he hears the tune and goes.. Oh the guy in front of me is slowing down I too need to slow down too. Won’t be surprised if one day you suddenly hear an Orchestra being played right in the middle of the road. Surprised you look out of your window and turns out the signal just turned red, so all our friends with their melody horns just hit their brakes.

The next big surprise is Cattle on the roads. Now don’t jump to conclusions, we are talking about ‘Indian’ cattle and that’s not the same as cattle anywhere else in the world. Picture a cow on the road in a western country. It goes all berserk running mad like the world is coming to an end. Its an incident that gets covered on the local TV channel, Traffic comes to a complete halt. In India it’s a different story, Cattle know how to handle themselves irrespective of the volume of traffic. They walk graciously at their own pace going wherever they are headed. Similar to pedestrians in the west, where the pedestrian is king and traffic stops for him if he wants to cross the road. The cows in India think the same way. They just cross when they want to cross and traffic stops to let them pass. But if you’re a pedestrian in India and try the same, then either you have some nerve or are totally nuts.

Driving in India is considered a privileged task. There are people who just drive, they don’t do anything other than drive. If you happen to notice a courier delivery van. It will have a driver and a fellow employee sitting next to the driver. Now why do we need two people here? can’t the driver deliver the courier and collect the acknowledgment ? Is that too complex a task? If that’s a complex task then how come a person who has the intelligence to deliver the courier cannot drive the van? Must be that driving in India is like flying a 747 jet, which the courier delivery guy cannot do, and its below the dignity of the driver to do the deliveries.

In a nutshell you need 3 things to drive in India. A loud horn, plenty of sense and a lot of luck. If you happen to bump right into someone while driving, It does not matter if you were on the right and the other person was on the wrong side of the road. The first thing the cop will ask you is, Did you blow your horn? If you didn’t then its simply your fault, how could you not blow your horn?

-Cd