Flying Domestic.

[Note: This blog is in context to Flying in India only.]

With the rise in income levels and low flight fares, Flying has become the in-thing. Airlines trying to out beat each other with fabulous offers starting from the Re 1/- ticket (getting this ticket however is a totally different ball game so let’s not get into that). At the rate it’s going very soon they may even start taking standing passengers like a bus.

Probably in a short time to come you may hear the airline executive tell you. ‘Sorry sir Business Class and Economy Class are full, however we do have the Rod Class if you like’. You go , ‘Great!! How many seats do you have in Rod Class?’ Uh.. no Sir there are no seats in the ‘Rod Class’ we can take as many standing passengers as long as its possible to close the aircraft door. But till then we have to stick to our seats.

Here’s how a typical experience would be on one of these domestic flights. You rush into the Airport get your boarding pass and complete your security check, and then you get showed to boarding area. Once you reach here there is a dramatic change in the environment. It appears like the rush hour is over and you have all the time in the world. Often staring at those typical revolving showcases with laptops and shirts pinned inside.

Then comes the long awaited announcement that flight xyz is ready for boarding. Within a split second Boom!! you have a line of about 15-20 people in the line. Where the hell did they come from? Where they para dropped ?? And what’s the big hurry? Your boarding pass has your seat number so no one’s going to sit on it anyways. Why are these people so concerned about reaching first? The reason is everyone wants to reach the overhead luggage rack first. Because no matter what the number or size of the baggage people assume It will fit in the Overhead rack. Who checks in baggage anyways? Checking in baggage is for wimps.

Who cares anyways the right thing is you join the line somewhere at the 20^th position. Here’s why, on comes the fancy Airport Bus which will drop you from the terminal to the aircraft. By the time your turn comes to enter the bus all the seats are full and you have to stand by the door. Bus pushes off and reaches the aircraft. And Viola !!! You are the first person to get down from the bus and thereby the first one to enter the Aircraft, not the 20 smart people who were in the line ahead of you.

The scuffle for baggage space in the overboard compartment is over and everyone’s settled down. Except for the odd 1 or 2 people who always have to ping the airhostess for water to drink. Probably they would die if they don’t get their water before the plane can take off. At least one representative of this water-drinking club has to be there on every flight. That’s the rule.

Then comes the Hostess with a tray of candy or sweets whatever you call it. We now witness the next in-explainable thing. People go all out eagerly grabbing as many sweets as they can. What for I’ll never understand. Its not like she is distributing Swiss liquor chocolates or $75 per pound Donnelly's chocolate. C'mon People !!! these are ordinary sweets that you find at every other paan seller. What’s the big deal? If these people can afford the airline ticket what’s with these sweets? Can’t you get them anywhere outside? But that’s the way it is. Unless you grab the candy what’s the point of flying?

All this done we are ready for take off and the pilot announces some gibberish, which is almost incomprehensible. For some reason all pilots’ talk in a fumbled voice. Probably they teach this tone in flying school.

Time for landing, the seat belt signs are on and announcement for landing made. Then we have our representative from the ‘before landing must go to the loo’ club who suddenly wakes up and makes a dash for the rest room. Only to be sent back by the Airhostess. No sooner does the plan touch down. Everyone is on their feet rushing to get hold of their bags. Plane comes to a halt and the same story is repeated. But now you know the rule. i.e. let the others out of the plane and into the bus, You go at the right time such that you’re the nearest to the bus door. (However in case of an aerobridge this does not apply).

What a relief you have reached your destination.

-Cd

Driving in India

Driving in India is an experience by itself. You will be amazed to find that everything you thought was a fundamental driving rule ceases to exist here. It all starts with the honking. Its not necessary for someone to be obstructing your path to honk. Cab drivers honk at random. Its like they have a frequency for honking. If they don’t do it at the right interval perhaps they feel choked, like a smoker who needs a smoke after a meal.

Then comes the variety of horns. Have you come across a reverse horn? Someone needs a tune to be played every time he reverses his car. Fancy no one came up with a melody every time you switch on your indicators. If you think this was the darnedest thing. Along comes a bike and guess what? This person has a melody tune attached to his brake. Every time he hits the brakes a tune is played. Someone came up with this bizarre idea and put it into production. Who would have thought there would be takers for it?

I am yet to come across anyone who has attached a melody brake horn to his or her car. It’s totally baffling why someone would need a tune to be played every time they hit the brakes? Can’t people behind them see that they are slowing down? Are they trying to help the Blind? Did they expect blind people to be driving? Maybe they reasoned out what if a blind man is driving right behind? he hears the tune and goes.. Oh the guy in front of me is slowing down I too need to slow down too. Won’t be surprised if one day you suddenly hear an Orchestra being played right in the middle of the road. Surprised you look out of your window and turns out the signal just turned red, so all our friends with their melody horns just hit their brakes.

The next big surprise is Cattle on the roads. Now don’t jump to conclusions, we are talking about ‘Indian’ cattle and that’s not the same as cattle anywhere else in the world. Picture a cow on the road in a western country. It goes all berserk running mad like the world is coming to an end. Its an incident that gets covered on the local TV channel, Traffic comes to a complete halt. In India it’s a different story, Cattle know how to handle themselves irrespective of the volume of traffic. They walk graciously at their own pace going wherever they are headed. Similar to pedestrians in the west, where the pedestrian is king and traffic stops for him if he wants to cross the road. The cows in India think the same way. They just cross when they want to cross and traffic stops to let them pass. But if you’re a pedestrian in India and try the same, then either you have some nerve or are totally nuts.

Driving in India is considered a privileged task. There are people who just drive, they don’t do anything other than drive. If you happen to notice a courier delivery van. It will have a driver and a fellow employee sitting next to the driver. Now why do we need two people here? can’t the driver deliver the courier and collect the acknowledgment ? Is that too complex a task? If that’s a complex task then how come a person who has the intelligence to deliver the courier cannot drive the van? Must be that driving in India is like flying a 747 jet, which the courier delivery guy cannot do, and its below the dignity of the driver to do the deliveries.

In a nutshell you need 3 things to drive in India. A loud horn, plenty of sense and a lot of luck. If you happen to bump right into someone while driving, It does not matter if you were on the right and the other person was on the wrong side of the road. The first thing the cop will ask you is, Did you blow your horn? If you didn’t then its simply your fault, how could you not blow your horn?

-Cd